HappyMomAnna

We have two "fixed" male cats and for the past several days a female has been "calling" for our boys to come out and play.

They seem to want to answer her calls and have been doing anything they possibly can to sneak out.

My question is do they understand what she wants or are they just concerned about her crying for their attention?

I would have thought they would have no interest but, I am starting to wonder?

I know several adoptees in reunion and two very closely. Both were adopted in the 1960's and both grew up with relatively honest adoptive parents considering the era.

Both were told from the start they were adopted and both of them had adoptive parents who were willing and open to share the information they had about the situation. Both of these Adoptive Parents kept the paperwork and history.

At reunion both of these adoptees found out the story their AP's have been given in writing was Not Exactly Accurate.

As adoptive parents of Foster Children I can also say, that my husband and I were NOT given the whole story about the "issues" our older children had and would need to overcome. We got the majority of the story from the Foster Parents.

So, the question is -- If the Adoptive Parents are Not able to actually meet and know the mother (parents) of the baby or child, if they can Only rely on the information offered by an agency or the state how often do you think the possibility of an inaccurate story being given to the AP's happens?

...and as an Adoptive Parent have you learned You were not given an accurate history or reason about the circumstances of the baby or child you adopted?

I also recognize the fact that in some cases it might take many years to even know if the information you were provided was in fact accurate. What would you do or think if years down the road you find out the whole story was different?

Tell me what I am--I can take it and here are your Clues

The Top 3-Most Important Values I hold as an American are:

1 -- I believe every person is an Individual, and view other people Not by the "Group" (of any kind) they belong to and Reject being viewed as a part of any certain group myself.

2 -- I believe that each person is able to reach their Own Personal Potential.

3 -- I believe each person has unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

Based only on these 3-clues what would you call me:

A) Liberal

B) Conservative

C) Socialist

D) Boring

E) Not Enough Information

If you actually know the right answer--then there I have given you enough information.

What do you think about the plot line of the Little Girl?

Do you think this is continuing the attitude of "Not Telling a Child the Truth?"

Do you think the fact the Adoptive Mother nearly died for the wrong blood type was a legitimate Scare Tactic that was designed to effect Change in the attitude?

Or do you think the point of Telling a Child the truth was Lost Completely with all the Drama of the Dr's Desire to Adopt?

I have my personal opinion about the program tonight what about You?

Sorry this is long--but:

We adopted siblings when she was 5 and he was 1... in 2003.

A Little background:

She has significant issues and usually captures a lot of attention and remembers everything. He is developmentally delayed about a year and has some significant learning disabilities but the kind of personality that charms. They are biological siblings and at this point have such completely different feelings about everything. It has been difficult for us to deal with their totally different feelings and memories and there are times when they are so conflicted with each other it's nearly impossible for them to understand how the other feels--let alone us watching it all happening.

During the past several months it is clear he has been "putting things together" and it's hard for us (including his sister) to understand where he is coming from with some of the feelings he shares or things he says.

About 6 months ago he started asking many more questions and it took all of us a little while to "Catch" on because he kept making references to his "Baby Sitter" which is odd since he never had one?

Eventually, all of us realized he was switching his words and "thinking" of his biological mother as the "BABY"sitter. Which in his way of thinking made complete sense because we realized he was thinking of the "abstract person" who was connected to him as a baby.

Daddy (they are best buds) decided it might be a good time to sit down with him privately and for them to go through his book with all the pictures and information. He was very engaged with daddy and asked a lot of good questions. Dad said it was a pleasant and positive conversation and he seemed to be happy about talking and seeing the pictures. -- Until he walked out of the den and intentionally said something negative to his sister about their mother...which hurt her feelings and was most likely his intention. (I had two little brothers and they can be like that)

Anyway, his main problem seemed to be about the differences between his mother and me. Our hair color was the big one. And I did some talking with him about his feelings. Nothing big he is so young and it's hard to tell what sinks in.

Last night something on TV brought up Birth as a topic and he said something (didn't really understand) about "I never got born"... Well, big sister jumped in and said, "Oh, yes you did--I know because I was there!" and that just ticked him off for some reason.

Now, tonight comes and the boys were going to play a game and I heard him say, "Lets Play Sorry--I have liked that game since I was in someones tummy!"

I was thinking maybe that came from the One-Up games kids play like, my dad is bigger then yours or I liked Ice Cream before I was born." So, I just asked, a question (can't remember the exact words) to the effect of, how many times do you say that? It was more to find out if that kind of game between kids was going on?

I am a little concerned about what he said next.

"I don't say that to anyone because some people were never in a Tummy!"

Huh? At that point I just let him know--that All babies come from a mothers tummy and that's not different for your friends. You were adopted so you were in your mother's tummy and I got to be mommy when we adopted you.

I left it at that. But, I worry about how he is feeling. I can't tell if he has some kind of loyalty to me or doesn't want to think I am not mommy (get that from some of his other odd remarks) Or if he is still just too young to Get It? Or is he really having so much trouble developmentally or What?

I don't want to confuse him, or make him worry, I don't want him to have any negative feelings about his mother. I am Not sure how much time to spend going over things we have usually taken the lead from the kids.

He is a He...he just turned 7 and he does have some real learning delays, Should we expect him to understand better then he does? Or does this seem to be appropriate for him at this stage?

I would love some feedback from Males I want to respond to him in the best way I can as a mother. I really don't want to trip him up with all this but, it seems so clear he really is dealing with all of this so I don't want to ignore it either.

Thanks for any thoughts...

I have seen Q's that ask "Do Adoptees Know they have 2-sets of parents?" and other Q's about "Who is a REAL Parent?"

Recently I have been thinking about these Q's Not only in the context of Adoption but as it may relate to other "family" situations, because I feel that many people Share a common "sets" of issues when it comes to Who We have as "Parents" in our lives.

We also see nearly daily the Q's about Step-Parent Adoptions.

I will ask the Question Now and may add some more about my thoughts....

Other then the "core" Loss issues (which many children of divorce feel in different ways as well) related to abandonment, secrecy and 'changed' identity issues--What do Other people think about that fact that in society today it seems more RARE then Not for people to have Only One Set of Parents?

I was originally Diagnosed with Clinical Depression in my childhood... As an adult I have generally managed well with periods of "situational" depression.

I was medicated with Prozac in the 1990's and took it with great success for a period of 5 or so years.

In 2003 my husband and I adopted special needs siblings from Foster Care and our daughter has had significant issues that have led to both depression as well as a back injury that required surgery, which was not effective and I still have pain.

I tried Prozac again last year and noticed no improvement over a 6 month period on the max dose. I have been assuming that "situational" stress of parenting a SN child is the majority of my depression.

Last month I couldn't stop crying for several weeks so started Celexia which has made me sick...Today our doctor (who also treats my SN Daughter) switched me to Cymbalta in hope that we can address Pain and Depression.

Has anyone taken Cymbalta? If so what do you think?

It has been an interesting--long--fun--sad--up--down Five Years since we adopted Makayla (not her correct name--the one I use for writing).

Long-Story Short with her nothing is ever the same. She has Alcohol-Related Neurodevelopmental Disorders (ARND) otherwise known as brain-damage. Mainly she doesn't Process the same--or the same on different days. She has little or no Short-Term Memory and now that we have learned how to give her time things go well at home.

She seems to be doing well with the Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and our life is on total survalience for the behaviors she learned because she was sexually abused. She has had a million diagnosis--hospitals--day treatment--residential treatment--home school--and finally public school with an IEP.

This week she is starting YET another special program. Day Treatment, it can go all the way through High School. It is bitter-sweet. She needs it...

We went shopping for clothes and we were talking and:

Continued:

Do you ever feel that something Huge is missing from your life--something Core and Deep....

For example:

Like Maybe you were a Twin and your twin died?

Like You must be an Adopted Person and No One is Telling You?

Just wondering?

Are there any people grown or still kids who have Wished that their parents would have given them to another family to be adopted by someone else?

If so:

Why Did You wish You had been adopted by a different family?

Was there a certain Family you wish Had Adopted You or Would any other family do?

How Long did you Wish You were Adopted by someone else?

Did You just wake up one day and Think--I wish I wasn't part of this family and that I could be adopted by someone else?

Do You Love your family anyway--but, still wish you had been adopted out?

There is some information given over on the Adoption Questions section suggesting that Young Pregnant Women are attacked by baby stealing Adoption Agencies and attacked by People wanting to Adopt their baby.

My Question is to those who might be Young and Pregnant who have NOT even considered Adoption--Have you been Solicited here or in real life by Adoption Businesses or Interested Adoptive Parents to give them your baby?

Do you know what a "Dear Birth Mother" Letter is?

Do people email you telling you they want your baby--even if you have never mentioned Adoption as one of the choices you might make?

For those pregnant whom have never had contact with an Adoption Professional--or people interested in Adopting your baby do you Feel like you are being Solicited to place a baby for adoption?

Just interested if the General Public of young mothers are attacked by the evil Adoption People---or Not?

It seems that no matter what an Adoptive Parent says or does some will point out the "Way" the parent is wrong...

This questions is an important one to me.....

When raising a child I believe they are all unique individuals and all different then I am in some way.... I believe in pointing out my childs strong point--talents and unique person... and also helping them overcome those things THEY feel are problems for their own lives.

I see many point out that Adoptive Parents either Do Not Treat their adopted child the **SAME** as a biological child...But I also see so many point out that their Adoptive Parents don't give their child the chance to **Be Different**

So.....I am interested in feedback--What are some good ways that an Adoptive Parent can possibly point out these differences without causing that child to feel as if they have been treated differently?

I would like to hear about any former Foster Children or People who were adopted from Foster Care that have reunited or made contact with your Biological Family and How Things Went?

My adopted daughter has been put through the ringer from Kindergarten to 4th grade.... She was placed at age five federally and state identified as Special Needs....

She has FASD (Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders) Specifically ARND (Alcohol-Related Neurodevelopmental Disorder) with an IQ of 72 and Zero Working Memory almost no Processing....

She also has Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) Disinhibited Type... PTSD, ODD, ADHD, and was sexually abused....

We have worked since kindergarten for an IEP and long story short.... Finally got one last October... After 5 months and 15 meetings the public school has agreed they cannot meet her needs at their school... Next week she will attend another district Day Treatment Program in a Class with Only Boys...

I am concerned... The Modality will be Behavior Modification You cannot Modify Brain Damage and she is at risk with sexualised behaviors. The shcool is 1:2 ratio in class but...

Can I ask for a HomeBound Education Teacher?

I might be over reacting however my gut tells me that I'm not this is how the story unfolded:

Yesterday I sent this email to my 4th grade daughter's Teacher:

"M" was a little upset Friday night and I am not sure what

specifically took place as her translations are not always accurate...

She reported that those believing "Killing" is ok were told to go to one room--Those who do not believe "killing" is ok were to go to the other room... She said she spoke about Abortion? and that some kids laughed at her--and that her teachers stood up and said she was right????

Not sure about what happend?

Adoptive Parents are encouraced not to associate Abortion and Adoption to the child as Abortion is a Choice to Give Birth and Adoption is a Choice to Parent.... So Not sure where she is getting her ideas.....?

Teachers Answer continued below:

All of the concerns that adopted people should have the right to their original birth certificates in order to know their true origins makes 100% logic and sense to me. I completely support this, but have been thinking about what My Little Boy will find on his Original BC....

He will find he was given his original middle and last name for a man who ended up Not being his biological father..... and he will also find that this man spent four years sexually abusing the sister he was adopted with--who has very serious emotional issues...

Should he really actually have access to a Lie--and be named for a man who abused his big sister...he loves and sees living with this kind of pain?

Just wondering...... because this is what he will find and he does have rights---He was born in Oregon.....

I find that in places like this as an Adoptive Mother I am seen as the point of all mother pain everyone seems to have....

As an AP I am accused of all sorts of things, and held responsible for the life stories of all adopted children....Any person who had an abusive childhood call me to account for the behavior of their parents... I was Not That Mother.

I am held responsible for abandonment issues and held accountable for the fact that another mother made the choice she did. I was not that mother.

AP's I see some Questions and wonder, Do You Ever Feel Held Accountable for the Actions of Everyone's Mother?

Would you like to talk about the Mother You Really Are and not always have to explain, or be hyper-sensitive to the fact that you are Not Everyone's Mother here?

I have someone listenting to me about the struggles we face in post-adoption supports and services.... This contact may offer us a public plateform to speak out about what the realities are when dealing with:

1) Mental Health Services

2) Education Services

Both #1 and #2 are those things we are told will Always be provided under Medicaid and via Public School "No child left behind"

3) Adoption Support Subsidy--the funds to use for services not covered by #1 or #2 including the access to qualified Respite Providers, supplemtal social supports and all the other things the money is supposed to be used for--if we can find someone to pay?

Your input about what your family has experienced with the "Delevery" of the services you were promised would be there after the Adoption Might HELP us make a difference!

Please share the road-blocks and even the "good" things you have discovered....

Okay, First off I will be seeing my daughters Shrink today for an emergency appointment...Not for her but for myself.... Just so that anyone knows this first....

I am so filled with Grief my play here at YA has been a few weeks distraction but, a fact is a fact and the truth is that when alone I can't stop crying for over a week now.

My children and they are mine were adopted 5 years ago as Special Needs Siblings from foster care.... It has been a heartbreaking road... and a week ago we finally managed to get her education resolved... She will attend a Day Treatment program---most likely until graduation... Social Security will step in when she is 14 for Disability services... We can Only pray she eventually has a day where she doesn't need someone at her side to keep her safe...

She was the only child of 6 to live with her mother on the streets... Her brother's birth saved her life.

She loves her mother and I respect that...

to be continuued below:

As an adoptive parent I do want to be sensitive and respect my children's feelings including their feelings about Loss.

I have to admit however, that I am not 100% convinced these feelings are all about adoption.

I have always been a Deep Person, always sensitive and diagnosed rather young as "Clinically Depressed" And FOR me the description has always (from age 5) been a feelings of "Missing" something.

As a left-handed person I recall hearing some study years ago that suggested a Lefty had Absorbed their Right Hand Mirror Twin and I thought that just had to explain this feeling I had.

I can speculate that I felt this loss because my parents were forced to be married, but, that seemed nuts to me... Or that my grandfather passed when I was 3 and I miss him.

I am wondering is it possible that some of us just Feel this Feeling we call Loss and the adopted people have something more than I have to explain it?

I mean this question with No Disrespect.