Input requested for 7yr Old boy and His Feelings about Himself?

Question

Sorry this is long--but:

We adopted siblings when she was 5 and he was 1... in 2003.
A Little background:
She has significant issues and usually captures a lot of attention and remembers everything. He is developmentally delayed about a year and has some significant learning disabilities but the kind of personality that charms. They are biological siblings and at this point have such completely different feelings about everything. It has been difficult for us to deal with their totally different feelings and memories and there are times when they are so conflicted with each other it's nearly impossible for them to understand how the other feels--let alone us watching it all happening.

During the past several months it is clear he has been "putting things together" and it's hard for us (including his sister) to understand where he is coming from with some of the feelings he shares or things he says.

About 6 months ago he started asking many more questions and it took all of us a little while to "Catch" on because he kept making references to his "Baby Sitter" which is odd since he never had one?

Eventually, all of us realized he was switching his words and "thinking" of his biological mother as the "BABY"sitter. Which in his way of thinking made complete sense because we realized he was thinking of the "abstract person" who was connected to him as a baby.

Daddy (they are best buds) decided it might be a good time to sit down with him privately and for them to go through his book with all the pictures and information. He was very engaged with daddy and asked a lot of good questions. Dad said it was a pleasant and positive conversation and he seemed to be happy about talking and seeing the pictures. -- Until he walked out of the den and intentionally said something negative to his sister about their mother...which hurt her feelings and was most likely his intention. (I had two little brothers and they can be like that)

Anyway, his main problem seemed to be about the differences between his mother and me. Our hair color was the big one. And I did some talking with him about his feelings. Nothing big he is so young and it's hard to tell what sinks in.

Last night something on TV brought up Birth as a topic and he said something (didn't really understand) about "I never got born"... Well, big sister jumped in and said, "Oh, yes you did--I know because I was there!"  and that just ticked him off for some reason.

Now, tonight comes and the boys were going to play a game and I heard him say, "Lets Play Sorry--I have liked that game since I was in someones tummy!"

I was thinking maybe that came from the One-Up games kids play like, my dad is bigger then yours or I liked Ice Cream before I was born."   So, I just asked, a question (can't remember the exact words) to the effect of, how many times do you say that? It was more to find out if that kind of game between kids was going on?

I am a little concerned about what he said next.

"I don't say that to anyone because some people were never in a Tummy!"

Huh? At that point I just let him know--that All babies come from a mothers tummy and that's not different for your friends. You were adopted so you were in your mother's tummy and I got to be mommy when we adopted you.

I left it at that. But, I worry about how he is feeling. I can't tell if he has some kind of loyalty to me or doesn't want to think I am not mommy (get that from some of his other odd remarks) Or if he is still just too young to Get It? Or is he really having so much trouble developmentally or What?

I don't want to confuse him, or make him worry, I don't want him to have any negative feelings about his mother. I am Not sure how much time to spend going over things we have usually taken the lead from the kids. 

He is a He...he just turned 7 and he does have some real learning delays, Should we expect him to understand better then he does? Or does this seem to be appropriate for him at this stage?

I would love some feedback from Males I want to respond to him in the best way I can as a mother. I really don't want to trip him up with all this but, it seems so clear he really is dealing with all of this so I don't want to ignore it either.

Thanks for any thoughts...

♪ Rachel ♫ · Accepted Answer

I think as long as you are discussing it's fine. He will gradually figure it out. He is just working this all out in his head and as long as you answer his questions honestly and correct him, like when he said that no one else came from a tummy that's fine.

Make sure you don't over-discuss it either. You have made it obvious that its okay to talk about, so just take the lead from them. Answer any questions they have and ask them now and then how they are feeling. 

I knew a foster child who was repeatidy reminded of his traumatic background through counsilling and at nearly 30 still can't bare bringing the subject up because it's so painful. Even though both children came from the same background, they are both individuals. They both experienced the same thing in a different way. At one he may have quite vivid memories. I have a memory of when I was 5 months old, even though most people deny that is possible. It happened. No one fed it to me or told me. In fact I was told I was adopted at birth, and my memory was being in a room with about 3 other children  being torn away from this woman and I was screaming and crying. I asked my adoptive mum about it and she was shocked and finally told me the truth that I had been fostered and it was when she was taking me away.

Some people claim to have memories of being in the womb. Now most scientists would deny this, but from my experience of having a  vivid memory so early and lots of people laughing at me and not believing me. I can tell you it COULD happen and is possible. The memory is as clear as day, like it happened yesterday. Both of them could have memories of their background that they don't quite understand. I first thought it was a dream or a nightmare, but I kept seeing it or visualising it during the day and it felt too real to be a dream. It took me a few years to figure that out and I was 15 when I finally asked my adoptive mum about it.

I also have or had RAD and PTSD. (when I resisted my mum touching me she would yell at me and say "I'm not poisenous" and force me to touch her...didn't really help). The best thing is just understanding and compassion. Being treated with sensitivity. That's all. I think you are doing really well. And remember they are individuals even though they come from the same background and just like any other part of sibling life will have differences about their feelings and experiences of adoption and may have the odd disagreement. Hopefully as they get older they will accept these differences and work together and support each other.

Katherine W · Answer

There are some really terrific books on adoption, and you should find some in the library and read them to him. He's little, he'll catch on in time. He's just trying to sort it out.

Some of their problems together are just because of the age and gender difference. 

Keep up with the therapy and ask the therapists these questions; they'll offer you help.

durdenslabs · Answer

It sounds like he's trying to take it all in and is just confused about some things.  Maybe he wants to have negative feelings towards his birth mother.  If someone gives you up, you aren't exactly going to be happy about it regardless of your age or the reasons.
Keep reinforncing that she gave birth to him but you are his mommy.  That way he knows he didn't just "pop out of nowhere" and he's no different than his friends that aren't adopted.
If you think he's having a more difficult time, perhaps bring it up to a counselor and see if they can explain it to him in terms he may understand.  They may just tell you to wait a few years before trying to straighten things out.  In the mean time, try to keep the "off beat" comments to a minimum or just at home.  That way he won't confuse any kids at school and no one will make fun of him for some stupid reason.

Good Luck

EmaLee98 · Answer

You need to put him in counceling, and also find some books on adoption and children's feelings. You may also look into RAD. Reactive Attachment Disorder. Good Luck

Adoptionissadnsick · Answer

Everyone who has a bellybutton has a mother......

maybe that thought will help him?

Input requested for 7yr Old boy and His Feelings about Himself?

5 Answers