louise b

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was

really p***ed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the

driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke

up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box

gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought

the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

I have seen this name come up loads of times for different questions? Anyone any clue as to why????????

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin

when she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and

didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?" She replied, "Aye,

that ye did, Father."

The Father asked, "And be there any wee little ones yet?"

She replied, "No, not yet, Father."

The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light

a candle for ye and yer hoosband." She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father."

They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again. The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs.

Donovan, how are ye these days?"

She replied, "Oh, very well, Father!"

The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?"

She replied, "Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in

all!"

The Father said, "That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?"

She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle."

I am looking for good songs to sing in front of varied audiences. We do a lot of gigs in pubs, and other such like venues.

We already know of the usual, like Islands In The Stream, Don't Go Breaking My Heart, Time Of My Life and other such obvious ones, but are looking for some good upbeat duets, and some not so upbeat. Not interested in Rap or anything like that. Has to be singable live. Any ideas?

If you have it,

You want to share it.

If you share it,

You don’t have it.

What is it?

I am sometimes strong

and sometimes weak,

But I am nobody’s fool.

For there is no language that I can’t speak,

Though I never went to school.

If you're 8 feet away from a door and with each move you advance half the distance to the door.

How many moves will it take to reach the door.

Just a quick question, does anyone now if there is a minimum time before travel to have the yellow fever and hep A injections? Does it need time to work its way into your system? Many thanks

Having a really bad time and the moment. Can anyone advise?

My birthdate is 24/05/80, time 0713 and place Plymouth (in devon, uk)

Just would like to know if things are gonna get better. Thanks in advance

My birthday is 24/05/80

I am going through a rough patch now, I need to know if their is anything good waiting for me. Any further details required, let me know. Thanks

A chicken farmer went to a local bar... sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence," the farmer says, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!" says the woman.

"What a coincidence" says the man. As they clinked glasses the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me that I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man ... "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying

fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I used a different c*ck," he replied.

The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence"

I do not hold any form of driving license but was wondering if anyone knows the law on motorbikes out here? Is it possible to ride one under a certain cc without a license? Any info would be great, I keep coming up with nothing! Cheers

At the beginning of August this year, I had the implant. For the first couple of weeks it was fine, but I am now finding peculiar bleeding, looks like old blood. I am also getting period pains all the time!

Every now and then I also get a pain in my arm where the implant is, and am constantly aware of it. Ie, cant put my arm on an arm rest because I can feel it.

Has anyone who has had this implant had these problems? I was told that it will settle down after a couple of months, and the first couple of months things will be a bit strange, but I am getting a bit worried. I have just moved to another country, and am in the process of getting a doctor arranged, but just wanted peoples opinions who have had this as to whether I am worrying over nothing.

Any help is appreciated.

Does anyone know of any airlines that employ english people who are based in Alicante? I have recently moved over, and although I am learning Spanish, it is not very good at the moment. Was wondering if any of the airlines suck as easyjet, jet2, bmi etc? Any info anyone has would be great? Cheers

I have recently moved to Spain. I have a job, and have opened a bank account. The bank have said I need to take in my padron (hope i spelt that right) and social security number once received. Does anyone know how I apply for this?